“Let yourself be open and life will be easier. A spoon of salt in a glass of water makes the water undrinkable. A spoon of salt in a lake is almost unnoticed.” ~ Buddha
Up till now, I realized I always encountered this personal problem, which is an inability to express my feelings. I can't really express my feelings and thoughts clearly. Perhaps, maybe because I'm totally an introvert person? I can always express my feelings like being happy or something positive to my few trusted friends, but aside from that I can't. I just don't know how. I can't really tell them about my sadness or my pain because I feel like they don't know a thing (or even understand my situation).
Every single time when I thought about it, it bothers me why I am having this sort of problem and I feel very isolated every time. These feelings began during lower-six when I felt like I'm being left out. I thought I can change to be a person who can freely express feelings or thoughts as I grow older, but it happens the other way round. It's getting worse!
We all want to feel good and happy. When something is upsetting us, all we want is to feel better as soon as possible. But I've slowly learned that trying to convince yourself that you're fine when you're not will only make you feel worse.
I would always fake a smile to assure everyone that I was perfectly fine when I went through a phase of feeling depressed and lonely all the time. (That's because they don't understand me even if I tell them my problem)
I would honestly tell myself to stop being so pathetic and dramatic and that I had no reason to be under such a large, black cloud all the time. I shoved my feelings away and never opened myself up to talk about anything ( That's what I always do. It is not like I'm not interested to listen or talk anything, but every time I talk something, they just like either "buat tak tahu" or something else instead) It actually hurts my feelings a lot.
The same thing tends to happen even if I'm feeling a positive emotion. There have been times where I've felt happy, but let negative surrounding put a damper on my spirit. I would hold back my optimism whenever I was around them. Sometimes, people will tear you down when you're happy or make you feel like you don't deserve to be happy. It makes you feel as if being happy is wrong or offensive.
I often tell myself that what I'm feeling is irrational or stupid. I feel obligated to pretend that I'm stronger and happier than I actually am, even when I'm not. It is extremely rare for me to ever sit down and openly talk about my real feelings. I tend to smother or bottle everything up and it's not healthy.
Because of this, I rather keep quiet all the time or don't feel like communicating with people. I worry that I will hurt their feelings if I over express myself. ( I actually hurt a few of my friends before because I "over confident" in expressing myself.) Sometimes, I really want to escape from reality.
Sigh...
Every single time when I thought about it, it bothers me why I am having this sort of problem and I feel very isolated every time. These feelings began during lower-six when I felt like I'm being left out. I thought I can change to be a person who can freely express feelings or thoughts as I grow older, but it happens the other way round. It's getting worse!
We all want to feel good and happy. When something is upsetting us, all we want is to feel better as soon as possible. But I've slowly learned that trying to convince yourself that you're fine when you're not will only make you feel worse.
I would always fake a smile to assure everyone that I was perfectly fine when I went through a phase of feeling depressed and lonely all the time. (That's because they don't understand me even if I tell them my problem)
I would honestly tell myself to stop being so pathetic and dramatic and that I had no reason to be under such a large, black cloud all the time. I shoved my feelings away and never opened myself up to talk about anything ( That's what I always do. It is not like I'm not interested to listen or talk anything, but every time I talk something, they just like either "buat tak tahu" or something else instead) It actually hurts my feelings a lot.
The same thing tends to happen even if I'm feeling a positive emotion. There have been times where I've felt happy, but let negative surrounding put a damper on my spirit. I would hold back my optimism whenever I was around them. Sometimes, people will tear you down when you're happy or make you feel like you don't deserve to be happy. It makes you feel as if being happy is wrong or offensive.
I often tell myself that what I'm feeling is irrational or stupid. I feel obligated to pretend that I'm stronger and happier than I actually am, even when I'm not. It is extremely rare for me to ever sit down and openly talk about my real feelings. I tend to smother or bottle everything up and it's not healthy.
Because of this, I rather keep quiet all the time or don't feel like communicating with people. I worry that I will hurt their feelings if I over express myself. ( I actually hurt a few of my friends before because I "over confident" in expressing myself.) Sometimes, I really want to escape from reality.
Sigh...
Comments
Post a Comment